EmployeeNext: Creating success and joy at work

My son is thirteen years old. He’s my only child. We are close, and I’m getting totally thrown for a loop by some of the behaviours that are coming with his entrance into teenagedoom. (How unique, you might chuckle!) So a friend of mine suggested a terrific book that I’m now reading — called “Parent Effectiveness Training” by Dr. Thomas Gordon.

As I read this book, the obvious comparisons to any relationship - particularly work relationships - just leap off the page. Dr. Gordon talks about “Active Listening” which is a process using “I-statements” not “You-statements.” Many of us have run across these concepts in marriage, family, and relationship counseling, and Dr. Gordon really articulates them clearly so they can immediately be taken home for a test drive.

Another gem Dr. Gordon brought up is anger — his view is that it’s a secondary emotion. He suggests that when we get angry, it happens (in a nanosecond usually) as a result of a primary emotion that is immediately masked by the anger. This is a problem because then we aren’t dealing with the underlying issue or emotion at all — just focusing on our angry feelings. This allows us to fail to look at our own part or our own behaviour - because anger is always directed outward.

An example happened for me with my son yesterday. In that case, my anger masked two things for me — I notice this often — fear and insecurity. So, after a cooling off period when we were able to talk calmly, I told my son I was really angry because I was afraid he wouldn’t be safe. We were able to talk through it and we both felt much better.

Anger is destructive, not constructive. It divides rather than unites. I’m always interested at watching anger at play in the workplace. I am blessed in my career — I work for a very large company with a long legacy of professionalism ingrained very deep in the culture. So there are almost never any overt outbursts or really inappropriate conduct. But I’ve witnessed some workplace behaviour through the years in other environments that has stunned me.

Anger is sure to make work a dysfunctional environment. In larger corporate cultures, it tends to be hidden under political layers, covert, simmering, creating tension and negative energy. Don’t underestimate the power of that. Anger in any form creates fear. After all, it is almost always a result of fear, and it extends and amplifies what it’s created from.

Any threat usually invokes an anger response, and based on learned behaviour patterns people deal with it differently - with aggression, passive aggression, passivity, or complete avoidance, to view it simply. Fight or flight.

I’d suggest the next time you experience anger at work, yours or someone elses — whether or not you verbalize it or act on it — notice two things.

First, what is your first impulse when you get angry at work or anger is directed at you? To suppress it? Deny it? Run to the water cooler with it and gossip? Add it to a scorecard? Bring it home? Blame yourself? Judge? Plan your revenge?

Second, (after a few really good deep breaths and a moment of conscious contact with your spiritual self) look for the emotion that preceded it. What created the anger - at a detailed level, not just generalized “fear” - because it is always fear, and there are a million forms of fear. Try to really get at it. Were you criticized and then worried your reputation at work could suffer? Were you jealous over someone taking credit for your work or ideas?

Dig, dig, and dig again. I learned a great technique once called “Five Times Why” - one of the best tools ever for analysis and decision making. Here’s a scenario:

- You and your teammate work together on a report, and they present it as their own work.

- You get angry? Why? Don’t judge your anger — or yourself. Don’t justify it. Just look at it objectively. The purpose is not to determine if your feelings of anger are right or wrong, only where they come from and what your pattern is.

(Here come the layers — )

- Because you are afraid they will get rewarded and you won’t. Why?

- Because you are not confident that your skills are recognized. Why?

- Because your boss frequently fails to acknowledge your work. Why?

- Because you don’t advocate or promote your role on your team. Why?

- Because are you feel insecure about your own abilities. Why?

- Because you don’t have a lot of experience or education in the area you are working on.

Now you have gotten to some real facts through honest self-appraisal, which is very valuable. Because NOW you can construct an action plan for change and improvement.

Anger in the workplace is very toxic. And very common, whether it’s overt or covert. Learning ways to neutralize it is an important part of being authentic at work. Then you can begin to be honest about your feelings appropriately, with yourself and others, and can communicate effectively even in hostile situations. You can advocate for yourself or your position with assurance rather than fear. And when you are honest in a healthy way, you feel more empowered. Honesty with others resonates within your deepest self. And strengthens you. Creates resilience, enables integrity.

Authenticity is only possible on a foundation that includes honesty. And yes we can be honest and true to ourselves at work. And nothing is more rewarding, personally or professionally.